Apparently, moms are just bitches.

Dang, the moms in children's books are such jerkfaces.

I was reading Alice the Fairy to my daughter for the thousandth time and I realized I always skip reading this page of text:

I just opt out and don't read it. We focus on the colors on the page, or I ask my daughter to find the flowers and then we go to the next page. When she learns to read, my kid's gonna be blown away by all the deleted scenes in this book. But, I'm not reading that crap to her. What mom puts her kid in time out for accidentally spilling on a dress? And what lunatic puts her toddler in a white dress in the first place? Dislike.

Then we picked up Llama Llama Red Pajama. And I got to this page:

Whoa, Baby Llama totally pushed Mama Llama's bitch button. Was it all the rhyming? I'm too scared of her eyeballs and her pissed off paws to read this again. Those pearls gave me nightmares.

So, we put that one down and I picked up Olivia. I thought, maybe I just need to be reading a Caldecott winner. A TV show-haver. OK, don't let me down, Olivia. I opened the book and there was all this art and they go to a museum and it was beautiful and then, this happened:

"I love you anyway?" What the balls? Yeah, maybe that's "real" and more likely to happen than running in a field hugging your kid every day, but I don't want that kind of real from a picture book. I want dragons and muppets and happy shit. Maybe I'm not taking this book literally enough and this is just supposed to be a glimpse at how pigs treat each other-- not humans. 

And while I’m mad, even though it's not about bitchy moms in books, just to completely get this rant out of my system, screw Big Nutbrown Hare. He’s the one-uppingest bunny douchebag I’ve ever seen.

Every time I read this, I really want Little Nutbrown Hare to punch Big Nutbrown Hare in the nards. "Guess how much I love kicking your ass!" But, he never does.

I'm not asking for a lot here, I'm just looking for a children's book featuring a mom who's not completely barfy cute but who also isn't a total hag. Got a reco for me? I'm dying here.

Comments

[Christine]

LMAO at "He’s the one-uppingest bunny douchebag I’ve ever seen."

But you know what? At least all these books have moms in them. Not like the Disney shit. In the land of Disney, any female who is not the pretty pretty princess is a child-eating hag of some sort who just stole Daddy away. Freud much? Of course, that's if there's any mom at all. My FIL got us the box set of Disney princess books and you should hear me edit those. Girlie is going to be in for a rude awakening when she starts reading.

[bekki]

While we're at it -- I know it's supposed to be charming and all, but "Love You Forever" creeps me the hell OUT! What is she DOING?!?!? She's an old lady, and she's driving over to her adult son's house in the middle of the night! And breaking in!! And rocking him while he's sleeping!!!! It was inappropriate enough back when he was a TEENAGER!!!

AAAUGH!!! CREEPY!!!!!!!!

[Melanie]

Totally agree, except I really respect Mama Llama. You see that tantrum baby llama threw? Holy smokes, I'd have bitchy paws too after that.

But yeah bekki, "Love You Forever" is totally messed up.

[betch]

@Christine: You said, "Disney princess box set." I said, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

@bekki: Good call. LYF is jacked.

@Melanie: Yeah, it seems like a real life reaction, for sure. I just don't particularly want real life from my talking llama books, I guess.

...But seriously-- Got any good book suggestions? Otherwise, we should write one.

[Ryan]

What about "Mama, do you love me?" by Barbara Joosse. That eskimo mom was pretty chill considering all the evil things that kid was planning.

[betch]

Ryan, that book looks promising. I thank you.

[Christine]

"Mama, do you love me?" rocks. Thumbs up.

[Emily]

You know, not once in the Thomas the Tank Engine books is there a bitchy mother. And the mom in Peter Rabbit is pretty "real." There's her kid, passed out on the floor, and she's all, where's that coat I just bought him? Where are his shoes? Ah well, back to making that chamomile tea I'm going to force him to drink later.

[Air Jordan 13]

TAKE ME TO YOUR HEART.....LISTENING TO YOUR HEART.....BRING ME FOR AWAY.....